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Apr. 30th, 2008

(no subject)

oh yeah, i'm not posting here anymore probably, i've consolidated the many blogs into one that shall rule them all (well, rule all of mine). at GodAwful.com.. finally using my domain, it only took 10 years

Apr. 28th, 2008

(no subject)


Bubs!
Originally uploaded by g0d4wful11
i got home late last night.. bubs had left me dinner in the living room, which i didn't notice until this morning, 2 birds, that explained the feathers in the shower

Apr. 2nd, 2008

(no subject)

my family is pretty dysfunctional, sure there is the whole only seeing my dad for about 15 minutes in the past 17 years, and how he wouldn't let me or my brother in the house, despite our step siblings being able to, if he or my step mother weren't there... and the whole "you are only allowed to eat leftovers after the rest of the family has eaten" and the whole "you aren't allowed downstairs aside from these said prison style dinners, or the whole "you aren't allowed to go to your grandmothers funeral"..

but that is my dads side of the family, i mean he's a psychiatrist, he is supposed to be weird...

but my moms side is weird too, i don't know if it's midwestern stubbornness or what, i kind of think they've always been very distant, but i was too young to really get to know my mom before she died and hear her stories, and none of the other relatives am i close enough with the ever ask... but anyway.. they're weird.

my grandfather died yesterday, I had suspected this was going to happen. i went and visited him and my grandmother last summer and for the past couple years he's been talking about the pain he was in, and would take me to the tombstone he bought for himself.. but a week and a half ago i got an email saying he had been put in the hospital and that he wasn't doing so well.. so i called him and yes, he wasn't sounding so hot.. but they told us he'd be leaving the hospital and was getting better.. my big worry was that this was midwestern stubbornness and that things were actually much worse but they wouldn't say that.. this i learned when my mom was dying and none of them could admit as such.

well, i guess that was the case.. i got up to go to work this morning, checked my email, saw i had a few from my sister and knew what they were going to say.. so i cried, called work to say i wasn't coming in.. stared at the floor and laid down... and have been in a haze ever sense.. you see, when my grandfather was young, his mom died too, he had a very exciting life and well, i always feel i don't make the most of things.. anyway..

i emailed my boss to find out about bereavement leave, which i think is a week paid.. good i figure, you know, i can fly out there for the services.. so i emailed one of my aunts (the one who couldn't make it down to my moms death) and she informed me that he was or would later today be cremated, and that there wouldn't be any services cos he didn't want any... so it's pretty hard to go back to work tomorrow, but, i'll probably take next week off.. but it's like.. if there are no services, god, sitting at home with my thoughts... i dont know.. how weird

my family is dysfunctional

Mar. 30th, 2008

(no subject)


Bubsketball
Originally uploaded by g0d4wful11
i called my grandfather today, he's in the hospital and not doing so well.. the conversation was really brief and he sounded exhausted, guess i can only hope for the best, but he just turned 88.. i know it's going to happen sooner or later, and that sucks.. he's always been my favorite grandparent, the ones of my dads side died when i was pretty young, not to mention just the whole disconnect from the dads side of the family..

this grandfather is like the thread that i connects me with the rest of that side of the family..

anyway, i told eric spolans he could kick me in the nuts if i lived to be 150... i think living 200 years would be pretty good for me, come on science...

and speaking of science, i had a lobster tail to grill later, and i know nothing of grilling lobster.. i am going to make the dipping sauce now..

Mar. 18th, 2008

(no subject)

There really isn't much to report, everything continues the same. Work is work, we're supposed to have reviews in february, this hasn't happened yet.. and I hope it does as I need to know what my role in this company is going to be.

I've been getting healthy, Project Bad Lieutenant as morten calls it. I didn't realize everyone was on this kick, but I guess its what 2008 is about. I shaved my head, I've lost just shy of 15 pounds now, only like 30 to go. Unfortunately, i have developed a cheeto addiction the likes of brittany spears.. ok, not really that bad, but even a little bag a day is not gonna help.. cheetos are my major malfunction it would seem.

Social life is what it's about, I've been trying to be a good person this year in the hopes that it will make me happy.. It hasn't yet, but I do generally feel better about things. I am currently crushless, which leaves my evenings to sniffing out the window with bubs before enacting an owen song and going to a bar.

We're working on this project for a company whose name i cannot say, supposedly, if we get this account, it will be huge and i could expect a massive bonus.. I'm not holding my breath, but a bonus of a years salary would be pretty swank. then i could skip this diet and exercise thing and just get lypo!

Mar. 11th, 2008

(no subject)


Woo!!!
Originally uploaded by g0d4wful11
I went skiing the last weekend of february, it was good and bad.

Yesterday i did a 14 hour day, i am approaching 12 tonight, but i'm just waiting this time, which makes it much longer.

I could really use a beer.

ps, i shaved my head again

Jan. 16th, 2008

(no subject)


Sleeping Bubby
Originally uploaded by g0d4wful11
You know how in the lord of the rings, the time of man begins, and as such the elves get on boats and head off into sea, you think maybe thats what happened to all the good people?

A quick google search provides a list of tests you can take to find out if you're a good person or not, sadly, they are all religious based (as far as i looked.. but i already know i'm not a good person in my own eyes, let alone in the face of God.

now, that is not to say that i don't _want_ to be a good person, i do, and recognizing that i'm not is probably the first step, just like recognizing any other addiction, i'm addicted to bein bad.

"but evan" you say, "bein bad ain't that bad, no?"

and i would agree, being bad is good, but bein good can be good too.

I think most people these days would use such fond terms to describe me as, asshole, jerk, grump, and so on. this has become very tiring for me.. much as it did 7 years ago, of course it all stems from self loathing, psychology 101 teaches that, so it is with a heavy heart i realize i've i want to be a better person, i have to loath myself less.

anyway, everyone i know thinks they are a "good person", though most i haven't heard their justification as such, I've only known a handful of people that I ever thought were genuinely good and many people whom i was surprised by their own flicker of goodness in what i perceived in their horribleness.

it's too bad there isn't any purity to go back to, once soiled, forever dirty.

in other news, my finger tips are sore, and despite the selfish nature of it all, i swear the intentions are for what i believe to be best.

Jan. 2nd, 2008

olive juice


Olive Juice
Originally uploaded by g0d4wful11
I'm on a quest of improvement.. and its only coincidental that its the new year.. It is more the planets and stars finally aligning to make this possible..

I have tired of faux friendships, just going through the motions but not really _feeling_ anything.. I've gone back on this lj and am changing all invisible of friends only posts to public finally, something i've been meaning to do for ages. while i was going back and changing them it was kind of an interesting walk down memory lane... so many posts in the first year of this "blog" where i was wasted and lamenting love and loss and all of that and how desperately i didn't want to feel anything anymore, let the cogs in the emotion engine rust and just forget their purpose.. but thats so tired.. or maybe i am so tired of it...

not sure what spurred all of this into movement, i think it was just meeting some new people and reexamining relations with other people and seeing how some of the people you hardly ever see, or you barely have known for not long, already know you better then people you see regularly..

I blame myself for this of course, people i met during my turned off years will never be able to know another evan, i just dont think it works that way.. for example. lb, this one is for you. in reality, as in physical space, if you added all the time we've ever spent together, it is probably a few days.. maybe 3 or 4, add in all the phone calls and interwebbing and im sure it is very much larger.. even still, it pales in comparison to anyone else that i "know" up here, and still, i think you know me a great deal differently than those up here.. or maybe i am taking strong bong hits..

similarly, i've met many others these past few months, thats nothing new, but for any to stand out does, how weird then that someone you've known you for so little you should feel so much more comfortable around than your "friends".. strange indeed, it is probably selfish of me to think this has anything to do with me and that it is really these people as individuals should be unique and different in their own ways.. probably more of that, but in combination with the former, i have certainly been more aware of my relations with others lately.

so new years day, i went to scott and brandis for the evening, but that night i wanted to go where people who "know" me wouldn't be, and chose to spend the time with people who have known me less time but i feel in a way, know me better, none of that cruft of the past years of me to mistake as who i am.. yes, its riddles and circles.

i've been trying to run the numbers and odds on things in my head, and when i get all logical, the odds never look so good, but if i can allow myself to _feel_ something, then the odds look much better, it's been a long time since i've had to over analyze a moment over and over, deconstruct, reconstruct, wonder if i am even remembering correctly.. it's nice.


why is it so difficult to misconstrue intimacy? i never go with my gut

Dec. 17th, 2007

(no subject)


Bubs!
Originally uploaded by g0d4wful11
An epic battle, in one corner, a little mouse, can't be more then a few weeks old, in the other, The Super Heavyweight Champion of the world, Miller "Bubs" O'Tooooooooooooooooooole.

It was a very short match, and Bubs increased her record with mice to 12-0.

In the shower this morning I was thinking about Yin and Yang (but no twins)...

"...The outer circle represents the entirety of perceivable phenomena, while the black and white shapes within the circle represent the interaction of two principles or aspects, called "yin" (black) and "yang" (white), which cause the phenomena to appear in their peculiar way. Each of them contains an element or seed of the other, and they cannot exist without each other. There are other ways that Chinese schools of thought graphically represented the principles of yin and yang, an older example being the solid and divided lines of the I Ching."

In my attempt to be more productive = be more happier and eventual = stronger emotional bonds, I have been using the "notes" feature in my iPhizzone. All car entries done, fixed side mirror (with superglue! i can't believe it worked!), Got a new headlight (this is also put on the fast track due to a bulb burning out at the richard hawley show) and an oil change..

Oh right, i should back up to the Richard Hawley show.. it was.. how you say.. totally awesome.. Whilst I can't claim to be the biggest or oldest fan of Dick Hawley, I do claim, that I am a fan.



If you're unfamiliar with his work, I highly recommend checking it out, any album, you can't go wrong with any of them.

Anyway, that show began my weekend of productivity and stuff. Friday, ok, not productive, had a run in with the Crooked Cowboy where got all psycho and I had to get all James Doakes on his ass "Old ladies cryin? you like that? what's your thing, psycho".

Saturday, got the car fixed, kilt some aliens in Mass Effect and fretted about the work xmas party that night. Spazz eventually showed up for our hot date and dealt with me hemming and hawing over not wanting to go, but forcing myself to go cos I know I'm a big boy now and can quit being a whiney douche about doing things outside of the comfort zone.. after teaching me how to use the internet and finding me a parking spot, we were there. Straight to the booze line where lb proceeded to pound flute after flute of Cristal.. pretty impressive.. it looked like this..



after eating we went to, what I'm told is being called "The Party House", common folks, lets think of something better, there we found folks playing cranium, lb and i drank more champagne (admittedly, not Cristal, but its close cousin André). Eventually I got to bang the drums in the Rock Band.

Sunday, I ate a salad. Ok, not so exciting but I was in relatively decent spirits and amazingly had no champagne hangovers (or regrets). Eventually went over to Footsies, had a few decent conversations and a few drinks.. Next thing I knew it was 12:15 and past babies bed time.. now you might think that I'd just take work off today, but you would be mistaken. For tonight is another Xmas party, so maybe I will take tomorrow off.

Dec. 12th, 2007

(no subject)


Look ma!
Originally uploaded by g0d4wful11
So, my left arm is going to be mass produced, suck it all who said i would never do anything great with my life!

tomorrow is Richard Hawley, if you aren't going, or have missed your chance, I pity you, heres examples







in other news, my subscription to livejournal is set to expire, can someone remind me why i ever even had a pay account? I am also ashamed to say I have been posting with more regularity at the myspace blog.. i hang my head in shame.

for those about to rock, i salute you.

as a means of making myself feel better, i have begun to set small attainable goals for the near term by using the notes application on my iphone.
1. get a new duvet.. DONE!
2. get a decent sofa or loveseat so you can throw that piece of junk futon away.. i have started looking at some possibilities
3. oil change.. uh yeah.
4. get a decent coffee table
5. get a better mattress
6. payoff that one crappy student loan.. in all honesty, this one should be moved to the top.. its only a 4300 loan, but the payments are only 60 a month, 20 of which goes to interest.. so thats only 40 a month being paid on the principle! THAT is crazy talk. so yes, this will be getting paid off in 2008.. so ericpoptone, guess my debt to you will live on, to be paid off in hand-me-down electronics and favors that families do.

7. through 10. - things i cannot say here

anyway, yeh, thats about it.. it's been cold, the idea of jersey knit sheets has been put in my head.

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