the nightrider

oh yeah, i'm not posting here anymore probably, i've consolidated the many blogs into one that shall rule them all (well, rule all of mine). at GodAwful.com.. finally using my domain, it only took 10 years

i got home late last night.. bubs had left me dinner in the living room, which i didn't notice until this morning, 2 birds, that explained the feathers in the shower

my family is pretty dysfunctional, sure there is the whole only seeing my dad for about 15 minutes in the past 17 years, and how he wouldn't let me or my brother in the house, despite our step siblings being able to, if he or my step mother weren't there... and the whole "you are only allowed to eat leftovers after the rest of the family has eaten" and the whole "you aren't allowed downstairs aside from these said prison style dinners, or the whole "you aren't allowed to go to your grandmothers funeral"..

but that is my dads side of the family, i mean he's a psychiatrist, he is supposed to be weird...

but my moms side is weird too, i don't know if it's midwestern stubbornness or what, i kind of think they've always been very distant, but i was too young to really get to know my mom before she died and hear her stories, and none of the other relatives am i close enough with the ever ask... but anyway.. they're weird.

my grandfather died yesterday, I had suspected this was going to happen. i went and visited him and my grandmother last summer and for the past couple years he's been talking about the pain he was in, and would take me to the tombstone he bought for himself.. but a week and a half ago i got an email saying he had been put in the hospital and that he wasn't doing so well.. so i called him and yes, he wasn't sounding so hot.. but they told us he'd be leaving the hospital and was getting better.. my big worry was that this was midwestern stubbornness and that things were actually much worse but they wouldn't say that.. this i learned when my mom was dying and none of them could admit as such.

well, i guess that was the case.. i got up to go to work this morning, checked my email, saw i had a few from my sister and knew what they were going to say.. so i cried, called work to say i wasn't coming in.. stared at the floor and laid down... and have been in a haze ever sense.. you see, when my grandfather was young, his mom died too, he had a very exciting life and well, i always feel i don't make the most of things.. anyway..

i emailed my boss to find out about bereavement leave, which i think is a week paid.. good i figure, you know, i can fly out there for the services.. so i emailed one of my aunts (the one who couldn't make it down to my moms death) and she informed me that he was or would later today be cremated, and that there wouldn't be any services cos he didn't want any... so it's pretty hard to go back to work tomorrow, but, i'll probably take next week off.. but it's like.. if there are no services, god, sitting at home with my thoughts... i dont know.. how weird

my family is dysfunctional

i called my grandfather today, he's in the hospital and not doing so well.. the conversation was really brief and he sounded exhausted, guess i can only hope for the best, but he just turned 88.. i know it's going to happen sooner or later, and that sucks.. he's always been my favorite grandparent, the ones of my dads side died when i was pretty young, not to mention just the whole disconnect from the dads side of the family..

this grandfather is like the thread that i connects me with the rest of that side of the family..

anyway, i told eric spolans he could kick me in the nuts if i lived to be 150... i think living 200 years would be pretty good for me, come on science...

and speaking of science, i had a lobster tail to grill later, and i know nothing of grilling lobster.. i am going to make the dipping sauce now..

There really isn't much to report, everything continues the same. Work is work, we're supposed to have reviews in february, this hasn't happened yet.. and I hope it does as I need to know what my role in this company is going to be.

I've been getting healthy, Project Bad Lieutenant as morten calls it. I didn't realize everyone was on this kick, but I guess its what 2008 is about. I shaved my head, I've lost just shy of 15 pounds now, only like 30 to go. Unfortunately, i have developed a cheeto addiction the likes of brittany spears.. ok, not really that bad, but even a little bag a day is not gonna help.. cheetos are my major malfunction it would seem.

Social life is what it's about, I've been trying to be a good person this year in the hopes that it will make me happy.. It hasn't yet, but I do generally feel better about things. I am currently crushless, which leaves my evenings to sniffing out the window with bubs before enacting an owen song and going to a bar.

We're working on this project for a company whose name i cannot say, supposedly, if we get this account, it will be huge and i could expect a massive bonus.. I'm not holding my breath, but a bonus of a years salary would be pretty swank. then i could skip this diet and exercise thing and just get lypo!

I went skiing the last weekend of february, it was good and bad.

Yesterday i did a 14 hour day, i am approaching 12 tonight, but i'm just waiting this time, which makes it much longer.

I could really use a beer.

ps, i shaved my head again

You know how in the lord of the rings, the time of man begins, and as such the elves get on boats and head off into sea, you think maybe thats what happened to all the good people?

A quick google search provides a list of tests you can take to find out if you're a good person or not, sadly, they are all religious based (as far as i looked.. but i already know i'm not a good person in my own eyes, let alone in the face of God.

now, that is not to say that i don't _want_ to be a good person, i do, and recognizing that i'm not is probably the first step, just like recognizing any other addiction, i'm addicted to bein bad.

"but evan" you say, "bein bad ain't that bad, no?"

and i would agree, being bad is good, but bein good can be good too.

I think most people these days would use such fond terms to describe me as, asshole, jerk, grump, and so on. this has become very tiring for me.. much as it did 7 years ago, of course it all stems from self loathing, psychology 101 teaches that, so it is with a heavy heart i realize i've i want to be a better person, i have to loath myself less.

anyway, everyone i know thinks they are a "good person", though most i haven't heard their justification as such, I've only known a handful of people that I ever thought were genuinely good and many people whom i was surprised by their own flicker of goodness in what i perceived in their horribleness.

it's too bad there isn't any purity to go back to, once soiled, forever dirty.

in other news, my finger tips are sore, and despite the selfish nature of it all, i swear the intentions are for what i believe to be best.

I'm on a quest of improvement.. and its only coincidental that its the new year.. It is more the planets and stars finally aligning to make this possible..

I have tired of faux friendships, just going through the motions but not really _feeling_ anything.. I've gone back on this lj and am changing all invisible of friends only posts to public finally, something i've been meaning to do for ages. while i was going back and changing them it was kind of an interesting walk down memory lane... so many posts in the first year of this "blog" where i was wasted and lamenting love and loss and all of that and how desperately i didn't want to feel anything anymore, let the cogs in the emotion engine rust and just forget their purpose.. but thats so tired.. or maybe i am so tired of it...

not sure what spurred all of this into movement, i think it was just meeting some new people and reexamining relations with other people and seeing how some of the people you hardly ever see, or you barely have known for not long, already know you better then people you see regularly..

I blame myself for this of course, people i met during my turned off years will never be able to know another evan, i just dont think it works that way.. for example. lb, this one is for you. in reality, as in physical space, if you added all the time we've ever spent together, it is probably a few days.. maybe 3 or 4, add in all the phone calls and interwebbing and im sure it is very much larger.. even still, it pales in comparison to anyone else that i "know" up here, and still, i think you know me a great deal differently than those up here.. or maybe i am taking strong bong hits..

similarly, i've met many others these past few months, thats nothing new, but for any to stand out does, how weird then that someone you've known you for so little you should feel so much more comfortable around than your "friends".. strange indeed, it is probably selfish of me to think this has anything to do with me and that it is really these people as individuals should be unique and different in their own ways.. probably more of that, but in combination with the former, i have certainly been more aware of my relations with others lately.

so new years day, i went to scott and brandis for the evening, but that night i wanted to go where people who "know" me wouldn't be, and chose to spend the time with people who have known me less time but i feel in a way, know me better, none of that cruft of the past years of me to mistake as who i am.. yes, its riddles and circles.

i've been trying to run the numbers and odds on things in my head, and when i get all logical, the odds never look so good, but if i can allow myself to _feel_ something, then the odds look much better, it's been a long time since i've had to over analyze a moment over and over, deconstruct, reconstruct, wonder if i am even remembering correctly.. it's nice.


why is it so difficult to misconstrue intimacy? i never go with my gut

An epic battle, in one corner, a little mouse, can't be more then a few weeks old, in the other, The Super Heavyweight Champion of the world, Miller "Bubs" O'Tooooooooooooooooooole.

It was a very short match, and Bubs increased her record with mice to 12-0.

In the shower this morning I was thinking about Yin and Yang (but no twins)...

"...The outer circle represents the entirety of perceivable phenomena, while the black and white shapes within the circle represent the interaction of two principles or aspects, called "yin" (black) and "yang" (white), which cause the phenomena to appear in their peculiar way. Each of them contains an element or seed of the other, and they cannot exist without each other. There are other ways that Chinese schools of thought graphically represented the principles of yin and yang, an older example being the solid and divided lines of the I Ching."

In my attempt to be more productive = be more happier and eventual = stronger emotional bonds, I have been using the "notes" feature in my iPhizzone. All car entries done, fixed side mirror (with superglue! i can't believe it worked!), Got a new headlight (this is also put on the fast track due to a bulb burning out at the richard hawley show) and an oil change..

Oh right, i should back up to the Richard Hawley show.. it was.. how you say.. totally awesome.. Whilst I can't claim to be the biggest or oldest fan of Dick Hawley, I do claim, that I am a fan.



If you're unfamiliar with his work, I highly recommend checking it out, any album, you can't go wrong with any of them.

Anyway, that show began my weekend of productivity and stuff. Friday, ok, not productive, had a run in with the Crooked Cowboy where got all psycho and I had to get all James Doakes on his ass "Old ladies cryin? you like that? what's your thing, psycho".

Saturday, got the car fixed, kilt some aliens in Mass Effect and fretted about the work xmas party that night. Spazz eventually showed up for our hot date and dealt with me hemming and hawing over not wanting to go, but forcing myself to go cos I know I'm a big boy now and can quit being a whiney douche about doing things outside of the comfort zone.. after teaching me how to use the internet and finding me a parking spot, we were there. Straight to the booze line where lb proceeded to pound flute after flute of Cristal.. pretty impressive.. it looked like this..



after eating we went to, what I'm told is being called "The Party House", common folks, lets think of something better, there we found folks playing cranium, lb and i drank more champagne (admittedly, not Cristal, but its close cousin André). Eventually I got to bang the drums in the Rock Band.

Sunday, I ate a salad. Ok, not so exciting but I was in relatively decent spirits and amazingly had no champagne hangovers (or regrets). Eventually went over to Footsies, had a few decent conversations and a few drinks.. Next thing I knew it was 12:15 and past babies bed time.. now you might think that I'd just take work off today, but you would be mistaken. For tonight is another Xmas party, so maybe I will take tomorrow off.

So, my left arm is going to be mass produced, suck it all who said i would never do anything great with my life!

tomorrow is Richard Hawley, if you aren't going, or have missed your chance, I pity you, heres examples







in other news, my subscription to livejournal is set to expire, can someone remind me why i ever even had a pay account? I am also ashamed to say I have been posting with more regularity at the myspace blog.. i hang my head in shame.

for those about to rock, i salute you.

as a means of making myself feel better, i have begun to set small attainable goals for the near term by using the notes application on my iphone.
1. get a new duvet.. DONE!
2. get a decent sofa or loveseat so you can throw that piece of junk futon away.. i have started looking at some possibilities
3. oil change.. uh yeah.
4. get a decent coffee table
5. get a better mattress
6. payoff that one crappy student loan.. in all honesty, this one should be moved to the top.. its only a 4300 loan, but the payments are only 60 a month, 20 of which goes to interest.. so thats only 40 a month being paid on the principle! THAT is crazy talk. so yes, this will be getting paid off in 2008.. so ericpoptone, guess my debt to you will live on, to be paid off in hand-me-down electronics and favors that families do.

7. through 10. - things i cannot say here

anyway, yeh, thats about it.. it's been cold, the idea of jersey knit sheets has been put in my head.

i was scrolling through the friends journals page and noticed everyone posting about how they haven't posted in a while, and here is mine.. i haven't posted in a while.. because life is still boring as all hell.

everything is still just fine, no complaints.. no peaks, no valleys.

fortunately The Season™ starts friday, but i don't even know if i can even bring myself to care..

so yeah, everything continues.. oh and my shoelaces can't seem to stay tied anymore.

last night i had a really visual dream, i was back in the midwest somewhere, probably iowa or illinois, and i was seeing this girl i was obsessed with in high school (you know, like writing bad poetry obsessed). anyway, in the dream she was ready to leave her husband (my brain conveniently ignores the kids), and wants to be with me..

I'm forgetting some, but next thing i remember was being in some building, the wood walls were a stained reddish color.. everything is happy, and then storm clouds the likes i've never seen start forming outside.. either the radio or someone says a hurricane is coming (odd considering we're pretty far from any ocean)... water starts rising outside the windows, a black foaming water, filled with debris from outside.. sooner than later the windows break and panic ensues, i step onto a couch and try to grab her hand to hoist her up, but the water is filling to room to quickly and one by one the heads slip under the water..
balancing on the floating couch i reach a hole in the roof and then i dont remember..

next thing is being in a caravan heading south, at a stop Amy G shows up and says something to me and gives me something..

and thats all i remember. the most striking thing was the overly saturated greens in my dream.
-------------------------

I am bored. This is no good. I am bored in life and every notion & invitation I hear suggesting doing something new sounds equally unappealing. The conflicting nature of my being is always being torn like this, the desire to do something new, and the distinct enjoyment of routine.

And now I need a new distraction.

So, i went to the midwest and was sick the whole time, pretty much.
The chill is creeping into LA at night, and the void is still deep.

I came home a couple nights ago, it was cold, the duvet was cold, it was nice, and bubs has switched to her winter sleeping position (as pictured). She has also found a new sleeping spot on my old computer desk on a t-shirt (admittedly, now a filthy t-shirt).

The season™ is coming. This one may be a pretty good one, La Niña and all (i realize that sounds pretty dirty if you know what im talking about).

Last week I had a conversation about elements of my past which I normally don't talk about, let alone think about, kinda weird.. i'm not hexspecialy one whom likes talking about the painful past, let alone expose myself like that to someone one whom i've just recently met and don't know to well.. it caused a minor brain freakout later where i was in the shower shaking my head for opening up..

in the gaming world (haha) one of the mottos is ABB, Always be building.. and in the video game that is evans life, always be building means, always be building bridges with other people, because then you control the distance you keep them at and how many walls they must get through to get to the chewy nougat center. it also grants you the ability to know how to best burn that bridge in case of emergency.

So yes, Always Be Building, or you'll find "i'm in yr base killing yr doodz" and that "all your base are belong to us"

anyway, yeh, so i act like i'm 6 years old.

i have been depressio lately, for no good reason, everything is fine, the job is going well, bubs is fine, everything is fine.. except my noggin.

I'm flying out to chicago sept 27th for the night, and will drive up to Minneapolis the next day to get ready for petes wedding. so i need to buy a suit or something to wear. I'm looking forward to the drive to clear the head and all that.

there is nothing new to report. at least, oh right, i got un86'd from the local bar... is that even worth writing about? how about in a drunken depressio induced rage i cleaned out my gun locker there of all things one might need in a bar

1. map to a gold mine
2. ball of paraffin
3. sun glasses
4. emergency party hat
5. kick ass mixed cd
6. sun lotion
7. eye drops
8. personal shot glasses
9. blender.. (yes, i had my own blender in my gun locker)

then to reenact a greg dulli moment, i deliberately broke a glass and turned in my keys.. ah, the shame spiral.

considering a couple weeks ago it was well over "the century mark", a cold front has rolled into los angeles, with highs in the mid 70's and lows going into the 50's.. this pleases me.. the season™ approaches.

You know what sucks? when you need ideas and you only have one..

There are a few more pictures over at my flickr account from the whirlwind trip. But here is a quick summary.

Friday night I somehow thought I would need to get up at 5am to get to the airport and make my 6:20am flight.. so worried I would miss my alarm, i slept on the futon waking promptly at 5. Knowing I'm in a rush I go straight to put my contacts in, well, i forgot to put the disinfectant tab in, so i needed to wash them with saline for a good 10 minutes, oi.

Shower, pack.. and oops its 5:30, "bye bubs!".. i forgot to pack my iphone charger, i think i can still make it... but I'm not gonna be able to do over night parking.. i pull into terminal 4, find the perfect parking spot and dash across the sky bridge. i do electronic check in with no bags to check..

the computer informs me i am there too late, i need to have been there 30 minutes prior to take off, i am only 20, i have to choose the next flight to go on standby.

well, through the security and i get to the gate i was supposed to bored on, theyre still there and they let me on.. sweet.

land in St. louis, i've got an hour to kill, have a pita sandwich from wolfgang puck express. i forgot how strong of an accent they have in the STL, there is pronounced thurr. The pita is disgusting, and board the next flight. 45 minutes later I'm in des moines, the air is clean. we drive down to my grandparents and drop off the gramps, head down to my aunt Cindy's for a little before dinner. shes going to my cousin cara's bachelorette party. here house is filled with cats, some of whom have fleas. so many cats, scratching and licking.. I'm trying not to get sick, these cats are certainly not bubs.

we go to my grandparents and have dinner and talk.. etc etc afterwards my sister and i go into town in search of a bar. not matter what size a town is (in this case, 1500 people) you can be sure there will be a bar (unless it is a dry county). we find one and have a few beers before returning to the aunts place.. nothing is on TV and i just want to go home.. eventually i attempt sleep. one cat keeps meowing and i can feel it flicking fleas on me, i resist the urge to punch it and instead kick it off the bed.. it leaves for an hour and proceeds to wake me up once an hour.. i want to die.

woke up at 7am sunday to a cat barfing in the hallway, shower and go up to the grandparents for breakfast (on the side, my grandmother is an awesome cook). hang out there talking until my aunt cindy gets back from her wild night out.. erin and i go back to her place to get erins stuff.. we take off back to des moines. meet up with my brother and his girlfriend in the des moines airport, kill time... send sister back to seattle, my eric and ngoc board the flight back to St. louis. the jet flies low and the pilot swoops around like he's in top gun, but we arrive ten minutes early.

i get an amazing race idea and check if we can board the next flight to LA, saving us 3 hours.. yes they have middle seats, but any checked luggage will still arrive late.. my brother has a retarded suitcase so we stay and kill 3 hours in St. louis airport.

6:50 we board the flight to LA, i fortunately have no one sitting next to me, the in flight movie is Lucky You, you can't understand the dialog cos of static on the audio track and the tint of the screen is off.. it doesn't bother me as the movie is so predictable. eventually land in LA, pay $60 from parking, drop eric & ngoc off and go see bubs.. she is pleased to see me and bites & claws me to let me know. I'm glad to be back.

so whats new? well, the heat wave has passed, thank the lord. I bought a new crappy car, well, it's not so crappy, it runs, it has AC, but its nothing to look at, but this is all part of my get rich slowly scheme. Oh sure, I could get a nice car, make $500 monthly payments.. but right now, i prefer to make a one time payment of $500 and move the rest into high yield savings, how adult of me. But the vacation next year will thank me.

As you may recall from not terribly long ago, when i was having a string of nerdy posts, i have a couple 500 gig drives, one is for music, the other is a backup for said music. Long story short, one died, thank heavens for back ups! too bad I'm a dumbass. I deleted my back up to make room to make a mirror copy from the dying drive.. I'm so dumb, but after much nerdery, i managed to save 140 gigs of music, losing only 160 gb.. oh wait, that sucks... fortunately, i had out smarted myself and sold my old drive to a friend whom hadn't deleted anything, so i ended up losing only 3000, out of 47000 songs.. not bad at all.. especially considering a good 1000 of those are probably scott walker songs... seriously, he had a lot of tunes.

Last friday i had a meeting with the supervisor, he informed me i would start to co-manage the department.. wha? i've not even been here 3 months holmes. I figured it was just some work to keep me busy while we're slow. But then on monday we had a private meeting about me taking over the department and how much of a raise would i want and etc etc.. This seems rather quick to me, but I'm not complaining.. it's just, i don't even know everything we do, but maybe i don't need to, maybe i just need to know who does know, and tell them to do stuff.. thats management right? cool.

ericpoptone has got me listening to overly dramatic music about being emotionless, robot like, and incapable of being held back like Covenant and VAST.. fortunately i am catching hints of fall in the air, and that means a more Tindersticks lifestyle will return.. along with The Season™, hooray.

I'm still 86'd from the bar, it's been 2 weeks, no end in sight.. how silly!

Anyway, flying to Iowa saturday morning, gotta get to the airport at like 5am, not sure how I'm gonna do that. gonna need some more alarms. flying back sunday at 3pm. and, according to the iphone, the weather out there shouldn't be too terribly bad.


Edit: - Oh yeah, i forgot i wanted to write down that i had this crazy dream a couple nights ago that i went back in time (note: it didn't take place in the past), and for some reason i had to marry my old high school flame. Which her husband was none to pleased about.. I wish i could remember more are i was doing a pretty good job of analyzing it the next day when i woke up.. i always seem to remember my dreams when i'm in the shower.. anyway, near the end of the dream i remember realizing that marrying said person wasn't going to fix anything... weird

it is a friggin' heat wave down here. At home, bubs and i lay under the fan trying to keep cool. I would normally just head down to the short stop to have a brew until it cool off, but, as of a week ago, i have been 86'd!

why? oh, through some miscommunication, i thought i was supposed to hook up their public wifi, and when i did as such, i disconnected their charging system, which blocked it from registering those credit card charges until it was fixed the next day. so yes, now i'm floundering around in the heat.. fortunately, i live in echo park.. which is pretty bar friendly, and now i am forced to reaquaint myself with the area. last weekend i wend to footsies for the first time in over 7 months.. saturday i went to the gold room, sunday el compadre.. stayed in monday & tuesday, last night i went to the new place called "15", though they are more of a restauraunt and bar, and don't have their liquor license yet (30 days baby!)

then i went to el compadre (this time avoiding the girl drinks which turned me into a booze zombie craving brains sunday night).. after that, down to little joys, then home..

the biggest downside is not recognizing anyone anywhere.. and thats not that much of a downside..

how long will this 86 last? no one knows, only time will tell.

this weekend is sunset junction, it looks like the heat wave will continue, and the idea of paying 10 bucks to be able to go drink mojitos in clothes soaked in sweat doesn't sound so great, plus i'm supposed to go to the DMV saturday to take care of the new used car.

then my 24 hour iowa trip next weekend. doesn't get any better than this..

a couple weeks ago i decided i need to get more productive on the weekends, so after putting it off for two weeks, i got right down to business. yesterday i wrote the check for the new used car (complete with busted side passenger mirror, cos that's how i roll). still, considering the deal i'm getting on it i can't complain (it's a 2000 sentra for $500, cos it's friends so it's dirt cheap). next step, laundry today, checking the flickr, i saw it had been about a month since the last laundry trip.. while this may sound like quite a long time, i am pleased to say it is quite a bit more often then i used to be (incidentally, this was the second time i used the ipod portion of le iphone, good stuff). got groceries for the week, came home and made this black bean thing that is my current OCD food condition.

can o black beans
2 tomatoes
1 bag o' southwest style corn
half an onion and 4 cloves o' garlic, sweat them for 5 minutes while corn is in the microwave, toss everything in, add cumin, and red pepper, and some raspberry vinegar to give a bit of the sweet, i've also added a little veggie ground beef.. 8 servings, 10 grams o' fat.

after this i was exhausted. and tried to take a nap while the aqua teen movie played in the background.. no dice though.. the guilt was heavy. got a text from c-rey suggesting drinks over at footsie's.. i haven't been there in ages, but i informed him i still had productivity to achieve..

you see, bubs killed me a bird a few weeks ago, and there was just a little arterial spray in the bathroom from where she split it open like jack the ripper. so weeks later, i have finally moped it all up and cleaned the sink and toilet and whatnot.. productivity.

i still have a few things to do before i can treat myself with a stroll down the hill, that being, put clothes away (dump them into the closet) and take out the recyclables... but, i may just need to take a breather before that..

i accidently nuked my iphoto library a few days ago, and got around to restoring it this morning, well back into 2002 i was captain face obscure as well.

my eyes burn from staring at a computer screen all damned day. here's some insider info, the italian translation of the film "superbad" is "suxbad".. nifty huh?

last night i saw bret from Flight of the Concords at the short stop, unfortunately jemaine wasn't there.. i mean, don't get me wrong, i think bret is under rated, but the two of them would have been a better photo op.

it is the weekend, and last weekend i vowed to take it easy this time around.. didn't like wasting all of saturday being hung over unable to move.. but thats with parties full of colored vodka cognac blends will do to you...

speaking of, as this photo proves, i really am Capt. Face Obscure. though you can see me through the bottle..