I have tired of faux friendships, just going through the motions but not really _feeling_ anything.. I've gone back on this lj and am changing all invisible of friends only posts to public finally, something i've been meaning to do for ages. while i was going back and changing them it was kind of an interesting walk down memory lane... so many posts in the first year of this "blog" where i was wasted and lamenting love and loss and all of that and how desperately i didn't want to feel anything anymore, let the cogs in the emotion engine rust and just forget their purpose.. but thats so tired.. or maybe i am so tired of it...
not sure what spurred all of this into movement, i think it was just meeting some new people and reexamining relations with other people and seeing how some of the people you hardly ever see, or you barely have known for not long, already know you better then people you see regularly..
I blame myself for this of course, people i met during my turned off years will never be able to know another evan, i just dont think it works that way.. for example. lb, this one is for you. in reality, as in physical space, if you added all the time we've ever spent together, it is probably a few days.. maybe 3 or 4, add in all the phone calls and interwebbing and im sure it is very much larger.. even still, it pales in comparison to anyone else that i "know" up here, and still, i think you know me a great deal differently than those up here.. or maybe i am taking strong bong hits..
similarly, i've met many others these past few months, thats nothing new, but for any to stand out does, how weird then that someone you've known you for so little you should feel so much more comfortable around than your "friends".. strange indeed, it is probably selfish of me to think this has anything to do with me and that it is really these people as individuals should be unique and different in their own ways.. probably more of that, but in combination with the former, i have certainly been more aware of my relations with others lately.
so new years day, i went to scott and brandis for the evening, but that night i wanted to go where people who "know" me wouldn't be, and chose to spend the time with people who have known me less time but i feel in a way, know me better, none of that cruft of the past years of me to mistake as who i am.. yes, its riddles and circles.
i've been trying to run the numbers and odds on things in my head, and when i get all logical, the odds never look so good, but if i can allow myself to _feel_ something, then the odds look much better, it's been a long time since i've had to over analyze a moment over and over, deconstruct, reconstruct, wonder if i am even remembering correctly.. it's nice.
why is it so difficult to misconstrue intimacy? i never go with my gut