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Sleeping Bubby
Originally uploaded by g0d4wful11
You know how in the lord of the rings, the time of man begins, and as such the elves get on boats and head off into sea, you think maybe thats what happened to all the good people?

A quick google search provides a list of tests you can take to find out if you're a good person or not, sadly, they are all religious based (as far as i looked.. but i already know i'm not a good person in my own eyes, let alone in the face of God.

now, that is not to say that i don't _want_ to be a good person, i do, and recognizing that i'm not is probably the first step, just like recognizing any other addiction, i'm addicted to bein bad.

"but evan" you say, "bein bad ain't that bad, no?"

and i would agree, being bad is good, but bein good can be good too.

I think most people these days would use such fond terms to describe me as, asshole, jerk, grump, and so on. this has become very tiring for me.. much as it did 7 years ago, of course it all stems from self loathing, psychology 101 teaches that, so it is with a heavy heart i realize i've i want to be a better person, i have to loath myself less.

anyway, everyone i know thinks they are a "good person", though most i haven't heard their justification as such, I've only known a handful of people that I ever thought were genuinely good and many people whom i was surprised by their own flicker of goodness in what i perceived in their horribleness.

it's too bad there isn't any purity to go back to, once soiled, forever dirty.

in other news, my finger tips are sore, and despite the selfish nature of it all, i swear the intentions are for what i believe to be best.


Sorry to hear about the loss of your grandfather. I wish I could say more but I really don't have much experience with 'families'.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure most people see me as the asshole, jerk, grump etc. as well. I've only recently faced up to the fact that this is probably not very healthy and a self fueling problem. I just don't know how to get out of it. It's just so easy to fall back on sarcasm and snide remarks when dealing with people. I feel stuck -- it's like I've hardwired myself to be a jerk. I see it coming from a mile away but I can't stop it. How does one be 'good'?
you do the opposite of your first thought, or you look at what all those people you ridicule would do.. it ain't so hard, i'm pleased to report people have seen a change in me.

April 2008



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