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my family is pretty dysfunctional, sure there is the whole only seeing my dad for about 15 minutes in the past 17 years, and how he wouldn't let me or my brother in the house, despite our step siblings being able to, if he or my step mother weren't there... and the whole "you are only allowed to eat leftovers after the rest of the family has eaten" and the whole "you aren't allowed downstairs aside from these said prison style dinners, or the whole "you aren't allowed to go to your grandmothers funeral"..

but that is my dads side of the family, i mean he's a psychiatrist, he is supposed to be weird...

but my moms side is weird too, i don't know if it's midwestern stubbornness or what, i kind of think they've always been very distant, but i was too young to really get to know my mom before she died and hear her stories, and none of the other relatives am i close enough with the ever ask... but anyway.. they're weird.

my grandfather died yesterday, I had suspected this was going to happen. i went and visited him and my grandmother last summer and for the past couple years he's been talking about the pain he was in, and would take me to the tombstone he bought for himself.. but a week and a half ago i got an email saying he had been put in the hospital and that he wasn't doing so well.. so i called him and yes, he wasn't sounding so hot.. but they told us he'd be leaving the hospital and was getting better.. my big worry was that this was midwestern stubbornness and that things were actually much worse but they wouldn't say that.. this i learned when my mom was dying and none of them could admit as such.

well, i guess that was the case.. i got up to go to work this morning, checked my email, saw i had a few from my sister and knew what they were going to say.. so i cried, called work to say i wasn't coming in.. stared at the floor and laid down... and have been in a haze ever sense.. you see, when my grandfather was young, his mom died too, he had a very exciting life and well, i always feel i don't make the most of things.. anyway..

i emailed my boss to find out about bereavement leave, which i think is a week paid.. good i figure, you know, i can fly out there for the services.. so i emailed one of my aunts (the one who couldn't make it down to my moms death) and she informed me that he was or would later today be cremated, and that there wouldn't be any services cos he didn't want any... so it's pretty hard to go back to work tomorrow, but, i'll probably take next week off.. but it's like.. if there are no services, god, sitting at home with my thoughts... i dont know.. how weird

my family is dysfunctional

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:( i'm so sorry for your loss, evan. i knew some about your family history over the years but not the level of emotion underneath. maybe you can spend the week with your grandmother and be together with her. and visit your grandfather's resting place.

i think you'll be a great dad someday.
thank you, i should've mentioned the even weirder part. Since there won't be any services, my aunt just recommended sending a card.. I talked to my sister and she seemed relieved that she wouldn't have to miss any school... i talked to eric briefly last night, but he has just gotten home and gotten my message and hadn't had time to process everything.. so i guess we will see

(Anonymous)

I happened to log onto your website for the first time in a while.

Sorry about your Grandfather. I know how close you were to him and what he meant to you.

Please take care, and if you're ever in the midwest again lets hook up for a pint or two...

Chad Beth
[hugs]
I am sorry about your grandfather. My family, too, is dysfunctional and when your parents are faulty, grandparents are the best.

Take the time and mourn your grandfather. You deserve it and so does he.
sorry about your grandpa...

it's a tragedy that your father hasn't allowed himself to discover that he has a wonderful man as his son.
thank you for the kind words, but what you speak of is something of a whole other ball of wax, maybe when i find the strength i will post about that some day.. there just isn't much strength to talk about much these days.. i do have to mention, your infatuation (especially the elevator post)....... i find incredibly captivating.
i look forward to that post of yours.
i'm flattered that you find it captivating. (meanwhile, i am becoming slowly dysfunctional)

April 2008

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